Why you SHOULD give a sh*t

Birthdays that come with a zero after the number can give you a nasty jab in the ribs. Like when your government’s National Health Service marks your day with a “Bowel Screening Kit”…ouch!

The aim of this kit is to test people for signs of bowel cancer. This happens in Scotland upon clocking-up fifty years, or sixty in England, Wales and Northern Ireland. How refreshing to deal with a medical matter in front of a potential problem instead of thanking the nurse/doctor/funeral director for their services mopping-up its consequences.

The delicate part involves not just preparing for, but executing the test. What is involved? Brace yourself peeps. I’m talking about

• Lifting the kimono
• Going through ‘motions’
• Landing a ‘sample’
• Scraping, smearing, disposing
• Scrubbing of hands with a wire brush and disinfectant (only if your imprecise or suffer hand tremors).
• Sealing the whole assembly into an envelope and posting it off to the NHS

Highly unnatural process for a human being, but you could save a life by giving a sh*t.